So I was just hangin' back waiting for the adoption agency to tell me my name check cleared through the FBI.  
Instead I got an email saying they are not authorized to request a name check and I gotta go get my fingerprints done again.  My shoulders slump but I chuckle inside because it's just crazy and ultimately no one gets denied adoption because their fingerprint ridges are unusual, right?  Fingerprints do not determine how fit someone is to be a Mom so something has to give, right?
I'm going to a new place this week to get my fingerprints done by a private investigator who guarantees he will provide the FBI with what they need because he has the credentials to back up his fingerprinting.  I believe he believes it and that's reassuring enough for now.
This Thursday I send in all the other documents.  John answered all his essay questions in a couple days which I'm grateful to him for.  Good news is the adoption agency said they could start the home study right after that because Oregon already said I'm no danger to society.  

March 11th would be our official first step on this journey.  The email from Holt International with our welcome packet arrived in my inbox.
It said it takes about 12-14 months to be matched, 6 months longer if you want to adopt a girl.  John and I both are leaning towards a girl but our minds are not totally made up yet.  I'd love Mayumi to have a sister since I can't imagine my life without mine but she's already 10 years old and is quite protective of her space.   I know it will be clearer to us as we move forward.  

So far we have submitted legal documents from birth certificates to divorce decrees, submitted for background checks from every state we've lived in, had thorough physicals and affidavits with notary signatures.  We've had amazing friends write letters vouching about our intentions and capabilities and we are finishing up our online classes and 70+ essay questions about anything from your how you were punished and maybe traumatized as a child to how are dealing with infertility grief.  We get to answer these 70+ questions each, by the way.  
I respect this process because it's an important one but I see a big advantage to having a child the old fashioned way.
The one small potential insurmountable delay is the poor quality of my fingerprints according to the FBI.  I've had my prints done both with ink and paper and with electronic scanning four times with four rejections.  Each submission takes about two weeks to turn around.  I called the FBI who said they could not give me any alternative other than to keep trying until they passed though they did recommend me go to my finger print appointment with packing tape stuck to my finger tips (it didn't work, obviously).  I begged them for a solution so eventually they gave me another number to call that said there was no other way unless I started with an office that had an alternative in place but they didn't know where an office like that might exist.  Come on, FBI!
I called the adoption agency and they did not recall this being a problem before but were able to research and send me a document with a phone number for an FBI 'name search' strategy.  I called the number and got grilled on where I got the number, from whom I got it and when this request took place.  After being put on hold so the agent could talk to a supervisor, they gave me another phone number where I answered the same questions and finally got a fax number to send in a request via the adoption agency.  Phew. It is out of my non-fingerprint-bearing hands now and I hope to hear something positive back by the end of the month.  When all documentation is submitted successfully, we get assigned a social worker and schedule our home study....can't wait!!

From my childhood, I remember how strongly I felt about adoption.  It was the 'right' thing to do because you're helping an abandoned child have a loving home. It was a responsibility I felt I had because I was willing to shoulder it.   To this day, I do have a healthy (meaning sizable) admiration for Ms. Angelina Jolie and her beautiful and worldly family.  
Having said that, arriving back to the decision to adopt, the reasons are very different.  I no longer think it's the 'right' thing to do for everyone.  My reasons are quite situational regarding my age, my life priorities and my desire to connect to my own culture.  It took a bit to get to this conclusion though.
My first instinct when the possibility of a baby became real was to get to that infertility clinic ASAP and start the meds.  I had looked previously into adoption but walked away thinking John and I were either too old or had too many divorces between us to be deemed worthy of applying.  At this point, I had no time to waste and I loved the thought of having a baby with my and my husband's DNA.  During this time, I had impromptu conversations with so many people who were older parents and nearly all through science, managed to give birth (many women older than I was and many giving birth more than once) to beautiful children that bring tears to their eyes when they talk about them.  I talked to the mothers and the fathers individually (many during their eye exams - sorry for taking up exam time to help unknowingly counsel me) and no matter how they felt before the baby, they all beamed with joy after.  
I took the shots, John tested his baby making potential, we paid for all the options to give me that extra 0.5% ...it didn't work, we tried again... it didnt' work...then my doctor called and said he had a potential donor.  She was perfect - 23, clean history, responsible lifestyle, Chinese...we signed up and paid the deposit.  It was so perfect too because my sister was signed up for IVF the same month.  What a cool story that was going to be.
Long story short, sis decided it wasn't right for her and in a period of questioning if it was right for me, did more research on adoption.  China was one of the easiest countries to adopt from and did not hold any of our stats against us.  If we moved forward, we would be adopting a 'special needs' child - older than an infant and with some medical issue that we would need addressing at a level of comfort we would dictate.  Not one ounce of me questioned if this was the way to go.  I just had to tell John.  He is an incredible partner and said he supported whatever it is that I wanted.  What a feeling of lightness and security knowing I was doing what I really wanted.  I didn't realize what heaviness I was carrying in my heart for the last two decades until that moment.  I called Hoyt International and filled out the application.

I have been wanting to journal about this thrilling and queezy roller coaster ride and share it with friends and family for awhile.  We have our proverbial seat belts strapped on now and the grip bars are locked in, ready to hold on through the unpredictable turns, climbs and drops.  
Ever since I became a big sister at the age of 6 1/2, I saw my life being about children.  I no doubt was gonna have a few, preferably through adoption, maybe write a series of children's books, lead a neighborhood after school program, start a nonprofit for orphans abroad...
Weirdly, the decisions I made in life didn't make becoming a mom easy, from living in a small town of Eureka (dating was near impossible) from graduation until my mid thirties to dating guys that didn't have the desire to have any or anymore kids. I found myself getting 'geriatric' in obstetric terms and seeing my college friends one by one getting pregnant at the pivotal age of 35.  It kinda sucked but I was distracted with opportunites to grow up if that makes sense.
Fast forward to now: I am sooo grateful for life's opportunities.  I love my practice that I almost treat like it's my kid.  I love my husband whose daughter Mayumi has in many ways become my own and hopefully will add some entries to this blog.  :)
I loved learning how to be a stronger and happier person and when I took a moment to look at how wonderful my life was I told myself I didn't need anything more.  But because I have so much to be grateful for, there was a nudge inside of me to ask myself and my family if we could have a baby now.  The answers were 'yes' and it couldn't feel more right.