10/30/2016 0 Comments My new "F" word.Just a quick update - we had submitted what I thought to be our final requirements before the official 'matching' begins ... immigration paperwork for Baby Bao. Email and letter staying our package was received by the Department of Homeland Security. How more official can you get?
Not soon after getting a letter confirming they received the documents and fees, we get another letter. We have been scheduled an appointment this Wednesday at 9am to get "F"ingerprinted....again. F.
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So in the last month, we traveled Vienna, Budapest and Amsterdam then arrived home to Portland to spend one last night in our condo in the S. Waterfront before closing on our new home in Sellwood. The last two weeks John's been painting walls, fixing closets, trim and windows and it's finally feeling like home.
There were a few fixes along the way with the adoption paperwork but I won't bore you with what has just become par for the course. Great news is the home study is done, I've given everything I need to give and now I'm just waiting for my copy of the certified home study and sending it in with my immigration paperwork for little Bao. Our social worker, who submitted our study and will be visiting through our first year with our little one, came by to verify our new home to be safe and upon leaving, told me that the matching starts after the home study is submitted. WHAT????? I was definitely a bit taken a back. So this is it. There's nothing standing in the way - it's just a matter of time. She said it's been moving quickly (relatively) for China adoptions these days. It really made me realize how unreal the process has been for me thus far. It's just been a task that I knew I wanted to do as well as I could because it would lead to a dream coming true. When people ask me about it, I just tell them about the hiccups and the detours in the process but now there's really nothing to get in the way of just being excited. My heart is beating faster and my brain is twisting between anxiety and elation as I type this. I don't know when or how it's going to happen but it doesn't really matter at this point - the only thing that matters is who. So we've been living in Europe for over two weeks now. Sis and Mayumi were with us for most of our time in Bern, Switzerland which was ah-mazing! Now it's just John and me, holed up in a 10 foot ceiling loft in the heart of Vienna surrounded by weiner venders and cathedral chimes. I like it.
This trip was our chance to get away before things get more hectic with our two new additions (Myoptic #3 and Baby Bao). I admit sleeping in and walking the streets with no agenda and no one to answer to is pretty sweet. Adoption process is running normally. Normally meaning unexpected extra steps and fixes. Our home study was completed a week after the first visit. Super smooth and easy breezy. Mayumi did not get a private interview session which I think she was kinda looking forward to. She was her usual cool self in the group chat saying she was cool with it (the baby) and was happy she didn't have to share her room. Actually out of this adoption, she gets a room upgrade so maybe she's a little more pro-baby now. :) When we started, we had to send in a huge pack of paperwork, including my elusive finger prints. With the home study, we had to put together a second package to send to China - 'the China Dossier'. That was submitted. Paid extra to have someone manage it which was a slightly worrisome option to be given. At this point though, with all the confusion we've already been through, I opted in. Glad I did 'cause my paperwork done got problems again. From the way it looks, it will not be a huge issue but I know better than to get comfortable. My birth certificate states that my father was born in Hong Kong. What's wrong with that you ask? Since he was born, Hong Kong has now become a part of China. China wants that to be recognized on his 79 year old birth certificate so it needs to be changed. My wonderful sister rang up Ohio's vital records so I didn't have to deal with it while I'm in Europe and understandably they said "We cannot make this change since the place was correct at the time it was done." I have to side with Ohio on that. Fortunately there is another way, unlike my fingerprint problem. So when I return, I'll have to write a letter, get it notarized, send it to Holt who will send it to the US Department of State to have it certified then have it couriered ($$$) to the Chinese Embassy who will courier it back to the SF consulate (vs sending it straight to the SF consulate). Then....if all is in order, I believe it is out of our hands. Our home study social worker who will be with us for a year after baby arrives told us another family who wanted a infant girl got their new addition in about 16 months. Hopefully we'll be on that track too. Now off to a day of gelato along the Danube. 7/15/2016 1 Comment Tara's first visitWe met up with Tara, our social worker, yesterday! She was really nice, assured us that if there were any concerns that came up, she was there to give us resources and not necessarily to deem us worthy or not for parenthood.
Tara moved to Portland recently with her family to get away from the craziness of New York. Her previous career was a couples counselor, which she loved, and it kinda showed. She admitted she enjoys getting into the details of people's relationships - fun times ahead :) She told us that all those seventy odd questions we each answered, she did not read so we would just start from scratch. First question: "So, why do you want to adopt?" The dam exploded and I cried my eyeballs out and told her it was something I always wanted to do ever since I became a big sister. Somehow forty years went by and I had a chance to embrace adoption again when it honestly couldn't feel more perfect. John took my hand, I blew my nose and we continued. She asked us about what kind of child we wanted which we're still kind of vague about - basically we want a healthy baby. Weird being asked what features you'd like in your child but those are questions we need to answer to make things easier through the process and after we are matched. My favorite part of the visit was being asked what I liked most about John. It was easy. He's smart, dedicated, funny, creative, strong, a do-er, loving, ever-evolving,.... Then I had to tell her what I didn't really like that much. I stopped after two and I wasn't holding back. It was kind of a good reflection for me because I know I'm more expressive when something bothers than when things are going great. John is pretty amazing and it was a good reminder to appreciate that more often. It's a bonus to have a social worker who is also a relationship counselor. We spent about an hour and a half talking which I truly enjoyed. We learned the process may take a bit longer than we thought. I thought it would be 12-18 months meaning we'd be united with Baby early next year but it sounds like it may be a couple of years. It depends on so many things obviously. That's okay. After 45 years, what's another couple :) Next week we meet with her again for a longer session where we speak to her one on one and Mayumi gets to talk to Tara. Mayumi has told me she doesn't like to get too personal about things. As long as she gets her own room, she's cool with whatever. Haha. Love that kid. Looking forward to our second and last visit next week for a while. 7/8/2016 1 Comment Home Study........is scheduled with Tara this Thursday! I can't really say much about it 'cause I don't know anything. She just said it will take two hours and John and I need to be there. This will be the first of at least two so maybe we get homework? :)
The agency is doing their best to get the home study done for us by the end of the month since we're taking August off to breathe Alpen air. After we pass this step, it's onto applying for immigration which takes up to 90 days and another dossier to prepare for; this time for the China offices. About to google 'adoption home study interviews' unless anyone out there has any tips! Next update next week after we meet Tara. 6/14/2016 0 Comments Cleared!Got the letter from the FBI in the mail! It was a pretty stuffed envelope - looked like there was a lot of official business in there. Turns out they just mailed me all my receipts for payments I made for previous fingerprint submissions. It felt like the FBI was acknowledging that we had been through a lot together in a sentimental way.
If you ever need fingerprints done, go to this guy: http://www.fingerprintingservices.net - retired CSI investigator. First and last time I had to use him! So where it stands now is one more online class for John and me. We are learning about transracial families and how to cope with communities that may have certain prejudices and how being from a different race can feel. So lucky to already be that transracial family (German, Chinese and Filipino) and to live in such a progressive city that embraces differences. Once we submit our paperwork on that, we wait for the home study. Hoping to wrap that up in July before we take off for a month in Europe! 5/24/2016 0 Comments Lack of progress update![]() So I was just hangin' back waiting for the adoption agency to tell me my name check cleared through the FBI. Instead I got an email saying they are not authorized to request a name check and I gotta go get my fingerprints done again. My shoulders slump but I chuckle inside because it's just crazy and ultimately no one gets denied adoption because their fingerprint ridges are unusual, right? Fingerprints do not determine how fit someone is to be a Mom so something has to give, right? I'm going to a new place this week to get my fingerprints done by a private investigator who guarantees he will provide the FBI with what they need because he has the credentials to back up his fingerprinting. I believe he believes it and that's reassuring enough for now. This Thursday I send in all the other documents. John answered all his essay questions in a couple days which I'm grateful to him for. Good news is the adoption agency said they could start the home study right after that because Oregon already said I'm no danger to society. 5/10/2016 1 Comment Progress updateMarch 11th would be our official first step on this journey. The email from Holt International with our welcome packet arrived in my inbox.
It said it takes about 12-14 months to be matched, 6 months longer if you want to adopt a girl. John and I both are leaning towards a girl but our minds are not totally made up yet. I'd love Mayumi to have a sister since I can't imagine my life without mine but she's already 10 years old and is quite protective of her space. I know it will be clearer to us as we move forward. So far we have submitted legal documents from birth certificates to divorce decrees, submitted for background checks from every state we've lived in, had thorough physicals and affidavits with notary signatures. We've had amazing friends write letters vouching about our intentions and capabilities and we are finishing up our online classes and 70+ essay questions about anything from your how you were punished and maybe traumatized as a child to how are dealing with infertility grief. We get to answer these 70+ questions each, by the way. I respect this process because it's an important one but I see a big advantage to having a child the old fashioned way. The one small potential insurmountable delay is the poor quality of my fingerprints according to the FBI. I've had my prints done both with ink and paper and with electronic scanning four times with four rejections. Each submission takes about two weeks to turn around. I called the FBI who said they could not give me any alternative other than to keep trying until they passed though they did recommend me go to my finger print appointment with packing tape stuck to my finger tips (it didn't work, obviously). I begged them for a solution so eventually they gave me another number to call that said there was no other way unless I started with an office that had an alternative in place but they didn't know where an office like that might exist. Come on, FBI! I called the adoption agency and they did not recall this being a problem before but were able to research and send me a document with a phone number for an FBI 'name search' strategy. I called the number and got grilled on where I got the number, from whom I got it and when this request took place. After being put on hold so the agent could talk to a supervisor, they gave me another phone number where I answered the same questions and finally got a fax number to send in a request via the adoption agency. Phew. It is out of my non-fingerprint-bearing hands now and I hope to hear something positive back by the end of the month. When all documentation is submitted successfully, we get assigned a social worker and schedule our home study....can't wait!! 5/8/2016 1 Comment Why Adoption?From my childhood, I remember how strongly I felt about adoption. It was the 'right' thing to do because you're helping an abandoned child have a loving home. It was a responsibility I felt I had because I was willing to shoulder it. To this day, I do have a healthy (meaning sizable) admiration for Ms. Angelina Jolie and her beautiful and worldly family.
Having said that, arriving back to the decision to adopt, the reasons are very different. I no longer think it's the 'right' thing to do for everyone. My reasons are quite situational regarding my age, my life priorities and my desire to connect to my own culture. It took a bit to get to this conclusion though. My first instinct when the possibility of a baby became real was to get to that infertility clinic ASAP and start the meds. I had looked previously into adoption but walked away thinking John and I were either too old or had too many divorces between us to be deemed worthy of applying. At this point, I had no time to waste and I loved the thought of having a baby with my and my husband's DNA. During this time, I had impromptu conversations with so many people who were older parents and nearly all through science, managed to give birth (many women older than I was and many giving birth more than once) to beautiful children that bring tears to their eyes when they talk about them. I talked to the mothers and the fathers individually (many during their eye exams - sorry for taking up exam time to help unknowingly counsel me) and no matter how they felt before the baby, they all beamed with joy after. I took the shots, John tested his baby making potential, we paid for all the options to give me that extra 0.5% ...it didn't work, we tried again... it didnt' work...then my doctor called and said he had a potential donor. She was perfect - 23, clean history, responsible lifestyle, Chinese...we signed up and paid the deposit. It was so perfect too because my sister was signed up for IVF the same month. What a cool story that was going to be. Long story short, sis decided it wasn't right for her and in a period of questioning if it was right for me, did more research on adoption. China was one of the easiest countries to adopt from and did not hold any of our stats against us. If we moved forward, we would be adopting a 'special needs' child - older than an infant and with some medical issue that we would need addressing at a level of comfort we would dictate. Not one ounce of me questioned if this was the way to go. I just had to tell John. He is an incredible partner and said he supported whatever it is that I wanted. What a feeling of lightness and security knowing I was doing what I really wanted. I didn't realize what heaviness I was carrying in my heart for the last two decades until that moment. I called Hoyt International and filled out the application. I have been wanting to journal about this thrilling and queezy roller coaster ride and share it with friends and family for awhile. We have our proverbial seat belts strapped on now and the grip bars are locked in, ready to hold on through the unpredictable turns, climbs and drops.
Ever since I became a big sister at the age of 6 1/2, I saw my life being about children. I no doubt was gonna have a few, preferably through adoption, maybe write a series of children's books, lead a neighborhood after school program, start a nonprofit for orphans abroad... Weirdly, the decisions I made in life didn't make becoming a mom easy, from living in a small town of Eureka (dating was near impossible) from graduation until my mid thirties to dating guys that didn't have the desire to have any or anymore kids. I found myself getting 'geriatric' in obstetric terms and seeing my college friends one by one getting pregnant at the pivotal age of 35. It kinda sucked but I was distracted with opportunites to grow up if that makes sense. Fast forward to now: I am sooo grateful for life's opportunities. I love my practice that I almost treat like it's my kid. I love my husband whose daughter Mayumi has in many ways become my own and hopefully will add some entries to this blog. :) I loved learning how to be a stronger and happier person and when I took a moment to look at how wonderful my life was I told myself I didn't need anything more. But because I have so much to be grateful for, there was a nudge inside of me to ask myself and my family if we could have a baby now. The answers were 'yes' and it couldn't feel more right. |
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